Employer: Baltimore Orioles
Salary: $414,000/Yr
The official contract I would sign would be a 10 year, $4.14M deal with a player option at the end of each season. My agent and I will do our best to make sure that the player option clause is in the deal. Even if I am a complete embarrassment to the entire organization, if I want to comeback to the team next year, it's my call. Very crafty contracting.
Position: Left Field, 8th in Batting Order
Left Field is the easiest and least demanding position in sports. My rationale is that if Alfonso Soriano and Lance Berkman can still chase down fly balls with their declining aptitude, I could probably hold my own out there.
Role: Play 162 games a season, never get pinch hit for or replaced in the field.
Team Implications: With baseball being such a long season, I'm sure the team would grow tiresome with my atrocious performance and aimless puns. Hopefully I can latch onto a fellow struggling Orioles (A teammate, not a wounded bird hanging from a perch), and we can build some rapport and maybe sneak into the the clubhouse in between innings for some much needed chicken, beer and video games... That's what American League players do, right?
Fan Implications: The first 30 games will be brutal, I will have some growing pains in the field and at the plate but I won't let it affect my demeanor towards the fans. I will sprint out to Left every inning, sign baseballs (To young fans who don't understand that I very well may go down as the worst MLB player of all time) and I won't get skip out of press conferences. The Orioles don't possess a franchise player at the moment so I figure I could sell some T-Shirt Jerseys just as a gag gift at Christmas Gift Exchanges.
Projected Statistics: .049, 0 HR, 7 RBI, 3 SB
Team Accomplishments: We never make the playoffs in the 10 years I am there. Not even close.
One Sentence to Sum Up Career: Dye's decade long pilgrimage was pathetic.
Employer: Detroit Pistons
Salary: $450,000
Assuming there is a season in 2012, I will cut my pursuit of a degree from the University of Illinois short and declare for the 2012 NBA Draft (Hey, it can't worse than it did for Jereme Richmond).
Position: Point Guard
Role: Start and play 40 minutes per game.
Team Implications: My best chance for camaraderie in the locker room is to befriend a foreign player, teach him the American culture and show him all the hot spots in the Motor City. The odds of me have any sort of off-the-court relationship with the rest of team is already out the question. If you think Ben Gordon is going to want to play NBA 2K12 after a game where my inept dexterity led to yet another 30 point drumming, you don't know Ben. A timely ethnic joke constructed by me will only lead to a brief chuckle by the cast of older, bigger black men that will be my co-workers for the next 10 years.
Fan Implications: If I thought playing in Baltimore was bad, just wait until I take off my shooting shirt and get announced in the starting line every game for a decade. "Annnnnd, at the other guard, 5 foot 9 outta Illlinois (Booooooo) Number 60, Derekkkkkkkkkk Dye (Boooooooo!)" Once the crowd hears the PA announcer say 5'9, the rest of his call is obstructed by "Boo's". As a self-marketing ploy, I will talk to NBA commissioner David Stern, to try and get the same revision to the dress code that Yao Ming received when he came into to the league. The back of my jersey will say my first name just like Yao and Ichiro executed. Another attempt to sell jerseys will be choosing #60 because of the position I was taken in the draft. There are 60 picks in the draft and I surely will be going last. Since I won't be receiving any shoe deals or Geico commercials, I need clever ideas like these to make sure I sell more jerseys than Shelden William's alien lookin' ass.
Projected Statistics: 1.4 PPG, 1.9 RPG, 2.2 APG, 0.0 BPG, 0.3 SPG, 17% FG, 4.8 FPG, 4 Technicals
Team Accomplishments: Honestly, a 5'9, 160lb white, young adult without any basketball experience past my Sophomore year of high school is such a liability to the team that I don't believe we win one game in 10 years. Seriously, 0-820 is not out of the question. Can you imagine me trying to cover Chris Paul or me trying to weasel my way out of double team comprised of Kevin Durant and Serge Ibaka?
One Sentence to Sum Up Career: Dye yielded nominal basketball progression and contributed no aid to the recession in Detroit.
Employer: Tennesee Titans
Salary: $685,000 + 150,000/Touchdown
Position: Running Back
Role: Start every game and receive exactly 20 carries.
I am a poor man's Danny Woodhead. If I can defy medical logic, I will be able to endure the hits from opposing defenses and make all 16 starts. Breaking my neck, tearing my ACL and getting those turf pellets in my eyes are all possible on my 1st carry from scrimmage.
Team Implications: The team will do their best to injure me during practice. With my nice salary, I can afford to take my offensive lineman out to local rib joints in an attempt to make them want to help me survive on Sundays. The Quarterback will hate my guts because when he does play action to me, the defense doesn't bite... They don't even nibble which puts him in a sticky situation.
Fan Implications: Honestly, my production will mirror Chris Johnson's this season (2.9 YPC), so the fans will see a similar player, minus the dreadlocks, gold teeth and undeniable swagger. My carries will be mainstays on ESPN's "C'mon Man" segment. I will lead many Tennesee fans to donning paper bags on their head. The fans will like my celebrations (In the event that I get a 1st down or sneak into the endzone).
Projected Statistics: 320 carries, 448 yards (1.4 YPC), 1 TD
Team Accomplishments: I'd imagine that the Head Coach would devise a gameplan to get my carries out the way early and let the Titans go back to playing professional football. We may sneak out a playoff appearance in my tenure. I'll say we make the playoffs once in the 10 years I am in the backfield.
One Sentence to Sum Up Career: Dye files law suit against NFL for post-career concussion symptoms.
Thanks for reading!
