I was at my house the other day, and my Mom was looking through one of our closets for a sweater for my Dad. She suddenly became distraught when she noticed that there were some holes in it. I asked "How did that happen?", she replied with "moths". I kind of chuckled because I thought she was kidding, She then informed me that moths were actually the culprits in this is case. "Moths? Really? A moth did that?" Was my only response.
Moths like sweaters. I am about to completely go into too much depth on how this could have happen.
1. When did this become a fact? How did I go through 19 years of my life and probably 19 sweaters without knowing that moths were actually comprising a plan to eat my Polo sweater? What if my Mom didn't inform me about this? If this is a fact, then someone must have caught the moth in the act of eating a sweater and then reported the incident? Who do you tell when you walk in on a moth and your sweater?
2. Who was the first moth to notice that "Damn, these sweaters are good"? My guess is that one daring moth deviated from the group one day and made it into someone's house, there he found the wardrobe of a well-dressed, happily married man. Bingo, he found leather jackets, corduroys and wool sweaters. Everything would change if that moth didn't take an experimental nibble of the sweater. No longer would moths terrorize sweaters. Moth balls wouldn't be invented. Sweater owners could rest assured that a nighttime bug would not attempt to consume his sweater. Well, as we all know know, the moth did take a bite, or two, and then proceeded to tell all his friends. And here we are today, still in a battle vs. moths.
3. Is there a preference of sweaters moths like? Do especially woolly sweaters make for a good feast? Do brands make a difference? If I purchase solely Polo sweaters, does the moth know that I paid a good amount for this item and I really would appreciate it if you kept your dirty mitts off of my damn sweater. Do baby moths hang out in the nest waiting for a chunk of sweater for dinner? I'd be pissed if I got that for dinner, it would get old. The provider comes home and announces "Here ya go kids, an Izod sweater with the tags still on it, enjoy".
4. Is there any way we can calculate the nutritional value of a sweater?
Sweater
0 Calories
2% Trans Fabric
14% Cashmere
8g Fuzzy Stuff
Does the moth leave the scene of the sweater feeling satisfied? Did he receive a prime meal? I don't think he did. Why doesn't he eat something his own size? I feel like there has gotta be something more practical for a moth to eat. Grass, for instance. Eat some grass, take a few nibbles, see what happens. I know grass is related to salads and salads are healthy. Sweaters are not healthy, at all. If I ate a sweater, I would be in a world of pain. I would have to get the sweater out of me, which would suck. It's just such a process to actually eat the sweater, and it would be dry and there really isn't a good side dish to go with. This is what an order at a classy sweater restaurant would be like "Yeah, I'll take a cashmere sweater and uhh... let's see, I'll have a side of children's mittens with that".
5. Moths, I am talking to you now, listen up. I haven't done any research on your lifespan, but I am assuming it can't be much longer than 72 hours. Why waste your time snacking on my sweaters? I would be much more comfortable if you would rummage through my snack pantry and pick out a granola bar perhaps. The box of granola bars costs $2.99, my sweater's value ranges from $29.99-49.99. Stop being dicks, I will leave out a bowl of assorted bite size goodies for you. Stop invading my closets and eating my sweaters, it's getting old. Sweater snacking is so played out.
Speaking of leaving bowls of food out for animals/insects.
You know someone is a good person when they own a bird feeder. Have you ever met a bad person that owned and maintained a bird feeder/bird house? I'll answer this for you, no you haven't. It takes a lot of dedication and sacrifice to operate a successful bird feeder. Imagine, a gang member going home after a long day of patrolling the streets: he takes off his Timberland boots, unravels his du-rag and appropriately places it in a spot he won't forget, then heads out to the backyard with a handful of premium bird seed to give the birds a meal. That just doesn't make sense, he would never do that.
"The Last Time I Checked"
I was talking to my Dad in the car the other day. For some reason we were talking about babies and me not having one. He said something along the lines of "Don't be having a kid yet", I responded with "I won't, I'm not even married". He came back with, "Last time I checked, you didn't have to be married to have kids."
There it is, the magic phrase, "Last time I checked".
What that literally means is that at a point prior to our conversation, my Dad wasn't sure himself. He had to do the research and "check" if you had to be married to have kids. So when he made this sarcastic remark, it actually made him look just as dumb as me. All he really said was, "I really wasn't too sure whether or not you had to be married to have a kid, but I took the time and did some research and now I know for a fact that you don't have to be married to produce a child."
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