Classic Match-Ups

Remember that post a month back about College Sports Rivalries? This is kind of similar. There is a lot of down time in a college lifestyle, which leaves me with ample time to brainstorm ridiculous sporting scenarios.

1. Here is my finest creation:

Who: Quincy HS(IL) Varsity Baseball Team
vs.
Bill Hall, David Weathers, and 7 tame Porcupines
What: Baseball Game (7 Innings)
Where: Miller Park (Milwaukee, WI)
When: Let's say June-ish

I have been working on this match-up for years. Here is my logic, Quincy is an incredibly mediocre high school baseball program (If you are unfamiliar with Quincy, insert your local high school baseball team). Quincy routinely finishes amongst the middle of their conference. They have a decent line-up, let's say they have two All-Conference infielders, an ace pitcher and a coach that has experience dueling against wildlife.

Recipe for success? Possibly. Let's look at their opponents, the Porcupines + 2 MLB players. The casual baseball fan probably doesn't know Bill Hall. David Weathers is an interchangeable Middle Reliever in the MLB. He is a journey-man as well, playing with 10 MLB clubs in his 18 year career. Joining these 2 MLB players, are 7 recently rescued porcupines (Ages ranging from 3-7). These porcupines spent 3 weeks at Fred McGriff's Baseball World learning the art of taking pitches and trotting the bases. In addition to the baseball training, the porcupines were also given multiple Rabies vaccinations and all passed extensive Sports Physicals. 7 world-class porcupines. Now that you understand the rosters, who has the edge?

My Outlook:

With a crowd of around 1,200 parents, baseball enthusiasts, and people just curious about seeing a porcupine field a slow rolling ground ball filing into Miller Park, the Blue Devils (Quincy) finished their round of infield/outfield. Bill Hall and Weathers lean over the dugout fence trying to decide if they should chew tobacco or settle with Ranch Sunflower Seeds. Their logic is that it a game being governed by standard IHSA rules and if they get kicked out of the game, that leaves them with 7 porcupines and an almost impossible task of winning. Okay, game on. I'm saying that there is no chance Quincy wins. David Weathers can still fire balls in around 90mph, velocity the Blue Devils have no experience with.

Bill Hall (looking exceptionally hard in the picture to the right) played Catcher in the Minor Leagues, so he is at Catcher. The 'pines trot out and fill the positions 3-9. In the event that Quincy puts a ball in play, Weathers will have to chase it down on foot. The only major weakness with the porcupines is their fielding capabilities. They can't catch, aren't very agile and would probably die if they were hit by the ball. So Quincy will probably get doubles, triples and inside the park home runs if they put the ball in play. That's a big IF though. If the Blue Devils get a rally going, then Bill Hall may have to take over on the mound. I'm sure Hall would be a serviceable reliever, he has a major league arm. I just don't see Quincy stringing too many consecutive hits together against MLB pitching. Weathers will strike out their 6-9 hitters without a sweat. The 1-5 hitters for the Devils might put it in play.. Okay, Now let's look at Quincy in the field. The Devils elected to deposit their ace on the mound. The Porcupines line-up will be:

1. Porcupine (LF)
2. Porcupine (2B)
3. Porcupine (SS)
4. Bill Hall (C)
5. Porcupine (1B)
6. Porcupine (3B)
7. Porcupine (CF)
8. David Weathers (P)
9. Porcupine (RF)

Quincy's pitcher is considerably accurate, he just recently signed with a local Junior College where he will pursue an Associate's Degree in Nursing. But how accurate is he?

Can he throw strikes to a porcupine? Porcupines range from 8-11 inches in height, making their strike zones about 3-5 inches. That's a tiny spot to hit consistently. The pitcher doesn't have to worry about the rodents swinging which with help with his pitch selection, exclusively fastballs. I'm gonna have to say that the porcupines draw walks over 80% of the time, which leads to many base runners for Hall and Weathers to drive them in. Hall is a pretty good hitter, and I'm sure he will tee off of the high school pitching. Even if they walk Hall & Weathers, odds are that will result in runs being scored. The porcupines will consistently draw walks. The porcupines will more than likely bat around the order in the 1st inning and score about 5 runs. Every inning will be about the same, Porcupines will score 3-7 runs every inning. The Blue Devils have a remote chance to score more than 3 run in an innings because Weathers is just too good, and he knows how to get out of jams. In the event that one of the porcupines injures a quad, or a quill perhaps.. That really doesn't hurt them in the field, but they will have to take an automatic out when the disabled rodent is slotted to bat. The porcupines will rally behind the wounded mammal and pull together as one and will exhibit a "refuse to lose" mentality. I would like to hear what you all think, does any disagree with my reasoning?

My Prediction: Porcupines win 31-14 (5 Innings)

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2. Indiana Pacers vs. 5 Lamar Odoms
Sent in by Jack Cassidy
Odom is one of the NBA's most versatile players, now imagine seeing 5 of them across from you? 6'11, long, brown basketball machines. The Pacers are ehh.. Not terrible, not good. Odom's multifaceted skill set makes him a nightmare to cover. Can the Pacers take advantage of their guards quickness? This is a tough one. 5 Khloe Kardashians are not included.

3. Junior College Basketball Star vs. LeBron James (wearing a suit of armor)
Sent in by Jack Cassidy & Thomas Bruch
Keep in mind that the suit of armor weighs around 40 pounds which drastically hinders the mobility of James. I think his jump shot will be affected, and his overall leaping ability almost cut in half. He can't use his armor to harm the JUCO star either. One on One basketball at it's finest.

4. UCONN Women's Basketball vs. Kerry Kittles + 1A Varsity Boys Basketball team

Kittles, a former NBA role player faces he toughest test yet when he brings his hick town associates to battle against UCONN, and a veteran Husky team.

Let's say the game is at Pepsi Center in Denver and the crowd couldn't be any more neutral. These girls are good, they compiled the longest winning streak in NCAA history, but then again, they are females. They are also very well coached by Geno Auriemma. My guess is that UCONN puts together a solid gameplan to halt Kittles, but then again Kerry Kittles can hit from the outside. Oh, and Kerry Kittles has been wearing Shape-Ups since he received them in a Gift Exchange this holiday season.


Comment on the bottom with your picks please, or use the Facebook link to answer.

Also, if you have a funny match-up... Let me know, I'll post it.