Some Jokes

Moths vs. Sweaters

I was at my house the other day, and my Mom was looking through one of our closets for a sweater for my Dad. She suddenly became distraught when she noticed that there were some holes in it. I asked "How did that happen?", she replied with "moths". I kind of chuckled because I thought she was kidding, She then informed me that moths were actually the culprits in this is case. "Moths? Really? A moth did that?" Was my only response.

Moths like sweaters. I am about to completely go into too much depth on how this could have happen.

1. When did this become a fact? How did I go through 19 years of my life and probably 19 sweaters without knowing that moths were actually comprising a plan to eat my Polo sweater? What if my Mom didn't inform me about this? If this is a fact, then someone must have caught the moth in the act of eating a sweater and then reported the incident? Who do you tell when you walk in on a moth and your sweater?

2. Who was the first moth to notice that "Damn, these sweaters are good"? My guess is that one daring moth deviated from the group one day and made it into someone's house, there he found the wardrobe of a well-dressed, happily married man. Bingo, he found leather jackets, corduroys and wool sweaters. Everything would change if that moth didn't take an experimental nibble of the sweater. No longer would moths terrorize sweaters. Moth balls wouldn't be invented. Sweater owners could rest assured that a nighttime bug would not attempt to consume his sweater. Well, as we all know know, the moth did take a bite, or two, and then proceeded to tell all his friends. And here we are today, still in a battle vs. moths.


3. Is there a preference of sweaters moths like? Do especially woolly sweaters make for a good feast? Do brands make a difference? If I purchase solely Polo sweaters, does the moth know that I paid a good amount for this item and I really would appreciate it if you kept your dirty mitts off of my damn sweater. Do baby moths hang out in the nest waiting for a chunk of sweater for dinner? I'd be pissed if I got that for dinner, it would get old. The provider comes home and announces "Here ya go kids, an Izod sweater with the tags still on it, enjoy".

4. Is there any way we can calculate the nutritional value of a sweater?

Sweater
0 Calories
2% Trans Fabric
14% Cashmere
8g Fuzzy Stuff

Does the moth leave the scene of the sweater feeling satisfied? Did he receive a prime meal? I don't think he did. Why doesn't he eat something his own size? I feel like there has gotta be something more practical for a moth to eat. Grass, for instance. Eat some grass, take a few nibbles, see what happens. I know grass is related to salads and salads are healthy. Sweaters are not healthy, at all. If I ate a sweater, I would be in a world of pain. I would have to get the sweater out of me, which would suck. It's just such a process to actually eat the sweater, and it would be dry and there really isn't a good side dish to go with. This is what an order at a classy sweater restaurant would be like "Yeah, I'll take a cashmere sweater and uhh... let's see, I'll have a side of children's mittens with that".


5. Moths, I am talking to you now, listen up. I haven't done any research on your lifespan, but I am assuming it can't be much longer than 72 hours. Why waste your time snacking on my sweaters? I would be much more comfortable if you would rummage through my snack pantry and pick out a granola bar perhaps. The box of granola bars costs $2.99, my sweater's value ranges from $29.99-49.99. Stop being dicks, I will leave out a bowl of assorted bite size goodies for you. Stop invading my closets and eating my sweaters, it's getting old. Sweater snacking is so played out.

Speaking of leaving bowls of food out for animals/insects.


You know someone is a good person when they own a bird feeder. Have you ever met a bad person that owned and maintained a bird feeder/bird house? I'll answer this for you, no you haven't. It takes a lot of dedication and sacrifice to operate a successful bird feeder. Imagine, a gang member going home after a long day of patrolling the streets: he takes off his Timberland boots, unravels his du-rag and appropriately places it in a spot he won't forget, then heads out to the backyard with a handful of premium bird seed to give the birds a meal. That just doesn't make sense, he would never do that.



"The Last Time I Checked"

I was talking to my Dad in the car the other day. For some reason we were talking about babies and me not having one. He said something along the lines of "Don't be having a kid yet", I responded with "I won't, I'm not even married". He came back with, "Last time I checked, you didn't have to be married to have kids."

There it is, the magic phrase, "Last time I checked".

What that literally means is that at a point prior to our conversation, my Dad wasn't sure himself. He had to do the research and "check" if you had to be married to have kids. So when he made this sarcastic remark, it actually made him look just as dumb as me. All he really said was, "I really wasn't too sure whether or not you had to be married to have a kid, but I took the time and did some research and now I know for a fact that you don't have to be married to produce a child."

The A-1 All Stars

For those that aren't that close to me, in May I got my first "real job". Special shoutout goes out to Jordan Townsend for the help on getting it. I dabbled with umpiring and refereeing during high school, but that can only go so far. I am currently employed at A-1 Rental Center in Moline. Luke Wood, Justin Blondell, Jordan Townsend and Blake Lanum all work at A-1 also which played an important factor in my decision to accept the contract that A-1 Rental put on the table, even though other rental companies around the area really wanted my assistance. Just to clear it up, I do not recieve a retirement plan, dental, or workman's comp.
What does A-1 do? Good question. The company slogan is "We are the party professionals". We specialize in a plethora of rental party necessities. Tents, tables, chairs, inflatables, side wall, Super Coolers and much much more are what you can rent at our everyday slightly inflated price.


Work atmosphere:
Varies on a day-to-day basis. It could be an easy day of driving around the QCA in an outdated box truck without a CD player. This summer has made me realize how much the radio sucks also. I am getting a bit sidetracked now, but this has to be brought to your attention. I have been known to enjoy a good Rap/Hip-Hop track, so the easiest way to satisfy that is by tuning into Groove 92.5. Groove 92.5 is incredibly inconsistent. You go from enjoying a catchy Lil' Wayne song to listening to an unnamed African American artist singing about love (every song like that says the word "baby" around 45 times). The love song to actual rap song ratio is about 3:1. Needless to say, 92.5 is not the best option when it comes to the radio. B100 also has many flaws. Sure, they have Red Hot Brian Scott and Tony Tone, but does not help their cause. Their station is way too repetitive and predictable. I'm not listening to the radio right now, but if I had to guess.. I bet it is "Your Love Is My Drug" by Ke$ha, followed by "It's Not Over" by Chris Daughtry, after that it is probably a commercial. And, it will be like that probably for two months. Nothing ever changes.. I don't even think half of the "rock" songs they play are popular. Is Nickleback really that good? Nope. Is Battlefield by Jordan Sparks an American classic? Not a chance! But by the way the radio broadcast is set up, they make it seem like it.

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Like I said earlier, there is no average day on the job, which is very refreshing. I am not sitting at a table all day making contraptions that scare birds away (Brian & Traub). Our hardest days are when we get the whole crew of around 12 out to a job site to set up a monster party and/or festival. We have recently been putting in consisent 10-12 hour days.. rough. Sturgis on The River is coming up, you're welcome bikers. Greek Fest is slated for this Friday, it's the least we could do. Our squad of college kids, troubled young adults, and people who just enjoy manual labor cater great events for the area to enjoy all the time.

Here are an example of a rough day/weekend:
Last Friday, the A-1 Crew left the shop in hopes of a relaxing day of setting up tents down along the banks of the Mississippi. I arrived at the Freight House/Penguins Comedy Club around 9am on Friday. When I got there, Mikey, Justin and Blake were already building the frame to both the 40 x 40 tent and the 40 x 120 tent. The three of us took off our shirts upon my arrival then continued to construct our dilapidated piece of semi-shelter. The frames were finished around noon, we carried our momentum right until our lunch break. The four of us traveled a few blocks into Downtown D-Port to the local Subway. Justin & I got our usual Buffalo Chicken footlong, while Blake ordered his Seafood Sensation. Heading back to the Freight House we expected the construction of the tents to go smoothly and we planned on leaving the site around 5pm, giving us a solid 9-hour shift. This was not the case. The hours kept creeping on us like Ronnie from Jersey Shore. Before we knew it, it was 8pm. We had worked 12 hours and had no intentions of doing anything more productive for the rest of the evening. The sky darkened, not because it was getting late, instead it was due to a storm front to likes of something we had not seen in days. As Justin, Luke and I departed from the job site, the wind picked up.. our tents. By the time we were crossing the I-74 Bridge to head back to our beloved state, all the work we had put in over the past 12 hours was erased; Poles snapped, tables smashed, and hard work gone to waste. While the storm was dominating our work, Justin, Luke and I felt it was in our best interest to attend a get together with our friends, even though we knew we would be getting the 'call to the pen' from our boss in the coming hours. Sure enough, around 10pm we were called back to the Freight House to clean up the mess that we didn't make. We worked there for about two hours then returned to the gathering of our friends. We stayed at the shindig for a few hours, leaving at 2am. I slept with Luke in my bed while Blake seemed cozy in my Illinois Snuggie. Blake also had a sleeping partner, my brother's dog, Brodie. Needless to say, Blake and Brodie were beyond comfy on my floor. Honk, Honk.. Just 90 minutes later, Justin is in my driveway alerting us to wake up. For those who have read 'The Lord of the Flies', the honking was equivalent to the conch shell signaling for all the members to adjourn. Just imagine our boss getting to the top of the Mississippi Valley, climbing a step ladder and yelling these words, "A-1 Allllll Starrrrrs, Asssssemmmmmble". We did just that, we crawled out of my house after popping a few Advil to give our bodies a fair chance to recoup. We worked 4am to Noon that day, then recieved a 3 hour nap then returned for 4 more hours of taking apart tents and retrieving chairs. When we got off work at 8pm on Saturday, we had worked 26 hours out of the last 36 hours. Not a good experience. If you were wondering where J-Town was at during this whole ordeal, he was enjoying a Bud Light at a bar in the Wisconsin Dells. Hope you had a fun vacation Jordan, it was well-timed.


Here is my Summer 2010 A-1 Rental All Star Awards:

Most Valuable Worker: Mikey Wooden (6 years of A-1 experience)
Most Improved: Andy Hutchins
Laziest Worker: Rich
Person You Would Least Like To Be Stuck With on a Trip To Kewanee: Probably Jason & Rich
Bo$$ Hog of the Summer: Edward
Rookie of the Year: Derek Dye (Not that I deserve it, I just don't think anyone else qualifies)

1st Team All A-1:
- Andy Hutchins
- Mikey Wooden
- Ed "Da Bo$$"
- Greg "G-Spot"
- Zach "Zachalicious Dirty Dishes" Esterdahl

2nd Team All A-1:
- Gina (Ed's Wife)
- Justin Blondell
- Corey Waz
- Jason.. by default
- Andy Nelson

3rd Team All A-1:
- Jordan Townsend
- Ray Dukes
- Luke Wood
- Adam "Fro" Johnson
- Kerry "Fupa"

Not So Honorable Mention: Blake Lanum, Derek Dye, Rich

Some miscellaneous items to touch upon:

- The best days at work are when you are with three of your pals going to various places picking up and dropping off tables and chairs. Nothing beats that.
- We need to make an A-1 Calender showing off the chisled body of Ray Dukes on forklift with minimal clothing, or Blake Lanum putting up sidewall shirtless, or maybe even all the crew working together to hold up a giant center pole.
- We also need to schedule a Softball game with AAA Rents, they're our rivals.
- Rich can't drive.
- Cut-off's and athletic shorts are a must.
- Be prepared to get life lessons everyday, even from the shadiest of characters.
- Within 3 minutes of riding in the same Budget Truck as Rich, you will hear about the drama that goes on in his Soap Opera of a life. The last I heard, his girlfriend somehow lives 2 hours away in a town called Canton. She 'Facebook chatted' Rich telling him to "Send money and tampons".. I couldn't make that up.
- The pay is rough, minimum wage is a buzzkill.
- You start to realize that McDonald's food is really that bad.
- You get back to your 'High School Waking Up Schedule' consisting of getting up around 7:40, grabbing some Mini Muffins and a Milk Chug and heading to work.
- Carpooling becomes an art form. We all take turns on picking up the crew to head to work.
- You do get quite the tan, but beware of the cut-off tan.
- I keep telling myself to buy a pair of work gloves, but it never seems to happen. My hands have paid the price.

I feel that I should try to promote the company here. If any of you out there need help catering your party needs, please call us at (309)762-7571 and ask for Ray Dukes.

I will leave you with these picture to give you a look of what we are all about here at A-1.

this is me and J-Town in the box truck after recieveing our complimentary John Deere hats.


nice lookin' tent and shrubbery arrangement.


this is me taking a well deserved rest on the skid loader.


Thank You for reading!

America's Pastime:Wiffleball

I've been playing Wiffleball for years. My earliest recollection of Wiffleball starts way back when I was probably four at my Grandpa's house. I would play my brother Jared in a short game where he would pound the ball over the house, and I would end up fetching for a few innings until I gave up and went inside to be consoled by Grandma. The game has evolved since then; pitches are faster, batters are stronger, and my love for the game has skyrocketed. I love Wiffleball, it's plain & simple. It's a game that never gets old. Once you wake up in the morning and see a glorious day outside, first you think about what you have to do for the day, then you go to your obligations and carry out your everyday life, but when free time has entered your day.. you get out your phone, multi-text your ten closest friends and say something along the lines of "Wiffleball @ 3:30". There is normally one field that you all know where to meet, so everyone is sure where to go. Snacks are optional, but highly recommended. Sunflower seeds and Big League Chew should satisfy any snack cravings throughout the 9 innings of friendly competition.


Notable memories from Wiffleball:
- Me v. Jared (2003)
We were both using our baseball teams to play with.. (it was one on one, but I would bat for the other players on my little league team) it was eric kohrs turn to bat in the last inning and he blasted one on top of the house across the street. epic.

- "I don't mean to be a hard ass, but get the hell off my lawn" (2007)
My neighbor isn't too friendly, but when you step on his precious turf in his front yard, he friendliness drops to new lows. I remember it was all of my buddies from high school came over on a half day and we played a game of wiffle ball. Someone hit a foul ball over into the neighbors yard, and Ryan Hendricks went over to pick it up, and the neighbor, "I don't mean to be a hard ass, but get the hell off my lawn" thus ending the game. He was Buzz Killington for the day. He single-handedly ended our fun game of wiffleball. That quote is still joked about by my friends.

- Slide into home (2010)
We were playing about a week ago here at school, and my team (Chambana Expos) were making a ferocious comeback. Team morale was high, and this kid that tagged along was named Caleb. Caleb was 0-3 coming into this key at bat in the 8th inning, and he hit a bomb off the tree in deep left and drove in a run. Next batter hit a single, and Caleb got the signal from the 3rd base coach to come home.. There a play at the plate between Max and Caleb. Caleb performed the most courageous and perfect slide I have ever witnessed. He slid completely under the tag and slid across home plate. The best part about it was that our home plate is a 4 foot wide slab of loose gravel in a grass field. His leg was clearly bloody, but it was worth it. His courageous acts got my attention, and he will not be the last pick next game.

I don't see myself leaving the game I love for quite some time now. I will be playing wiffleball well into my 20's, after that I will find a softball league to play in, or have some kids to follow my footsteps.

This post is dedicated to all you Wiffler's out there!
Jared Dye, Sam Welvaert, Luke Wood, Jordan Townsend, Justin Blondell, Connor Welvaert, Ryan Hendricks, Tyler Rasche, Dakota Bacus, Alec Heist, Brian Doroba, Mike Miller, Christian Davis, Kevin Galicia, Max Tane, Ian Adams, Grant Walheim, Jack Cassidy, Thomas Bruch, Andy Heinz, That Caleb kid with the slide, Kevin Shedd, Jacob Traub, and Tyler Brown