When I Grow Up, I Want To Be a...

When we were all kids, the majority of every 2nd grade class wanted to be a professional athlete.  I was no different.  Well now, 2 front teeth and 13 grades later, I will gaze into a crystal ball and see what actually would have transpired if I played professional sports.  If I knew this when I was 8, I would've stuck in Boy's Choir.  Here is my projected outcome if I played in the MLB, NBA and NFL.

Employer: Baltimore Orioles

Salary: $414,000/Yr

The official contract I would sign would be a 10 year, $4.14M deal with a player option at the end of each season.  My agent and I will do our best to make sure that the player option clause is in the deal.  Even if I am a complete embarrassment to the entire organization, if I want to comeback to the team next year, it's my call.  Very crafty contracting.

Position: Left Field, 8th in Batting Order

Left Field is the easiest and least demanding position in sports.  My rationale is that if Alfonso Soriano and Lance Berkman can still chase down fly balls with their declining aptitude, I could probably hold my own out there. 

 

Role: Play 162 games a season, never get pinch hit for or replaced in the field.

Team Implications: With baseball being such a long season, I'm sure the team would grow tiresome with my atrocious performance and aimless puns.  Hopefully I can latch onto a fellow struggling Orioles (A teammate, not a wounded bird hanging from a perch), and we can build some rapport and maybe sneak into the the clubhouse in between innings for some much needed chicken, beer and video games... That's what American League players do, right? 

Fan Implications: The first 30 games will be brutal, I will have some growing pains in the field and at the plate but I won't let it affect my demeanor towards the fans.  I will sprint out to Left every inning, sign baseballs (To young fans who don't  understand that I very well may go down as the worst MLB player of all time) and I won't get skip out of press conferences.  The Orioles don't possess a franchise player at the moment so I figure I could sell some T-Shirt Jerseys just as a gag gift at Christmas Gift Exchanges.

Projected Statistics: .049, 0 HR, 7 RBI, 3 SB

Team Accomplishments: We never make the playoffs in the 10 years I am there.  Not even close.

One Sentence to Sum Up Career: Dye's decade long pilgrimage was pathetic.

Employer: Detroit Pistons

Salary: $450,000

Assuming there is a season in 2012, I will cut my pursuit of a degree from the University of Illinois short and declare for the 2012 NBA Draft (Hey, it can't worse than it did for Jereme Richmond).  

Position: Point Guard

Role: Start and play 40 minutes per game.  

Team Implications: My best chance for camaraderie in the locker room is to befriend a foreign player, teach him the American culture and show him all the hot spots in the Motor City. The odds of me have any sort of off-the-court relationship with the rest of team is already out the question.  If you think Ben Gordon is going to want to play NBA 2K12 after a game where my inept dexterity led to yet another 30 point drumming, you don't know Ben.  A timely ethnic joke constructed by me will only lead to a brief chuckle by the cast of older, bigger black men that will be my co-workers for the next 10 years.  

Fan Implications: If I thought playing in Baltimore was bad, just wait until I take off my shooting shirt and get announced in the starting line every game for a decade.  "Annnnnd, at the other guard, 5 foot 9 outta Illlinois (Booooooo) Number 60, Derekkkkkkkkkk Dye (Boooooooo!)"  Once the crowd hears the PA announcer say 5'9, the rest of his call is obstructed by "Boo's".  As a self-marketing ploy, I will talk to NBA commissioner  David Stern, to try and get the same revision to the dress code that Yao Ming received when he came into to the league.  The back of my jersey will say my first name just like Yao and Ichiro executed.  Another attempt to sell jerseys will be choosing #60 because of the position I was taken in the draft.  There are 60 picks in the draft and I surely will be going last.  Since I won't be receiving any shoe deals or Geico commercials, I need clever ideas like these to make sure I sell more jerseys than Shelden William's alien lookin' ass.

Projected Statistics: 1.4 PPG, 1.9 RPG, 2.2 APG, 0.0 BPG, 0.3 SPG, 17% FG, 4.8 FPG, 4 Technicals

Team Accomplishments: Honestly, a 5'9, 160lb white, young adult without any basketball experience past my Sophomore year of high school is such a liability to the team that I don't believe we win one game in 10 years.  Seriously, 0-820 is not out of the question.  Can you imagine me trying to cover Chris Paul or me trying to weasel my way out of double team comprised of Kevin Durant and Serge Ibaka?  

One Sentence to Sum Up Career: Dye yielded nominal basketball progression and contributed no aid to the recession in Detroit.

Employer: Tennesee Titans

Salary: $685,000 + 150,000/Touchdown

Position: Running Back

Role: Start every game and receive exactly 20 carries.

I am a poor man's Danny Woodhead.  If I can defy medical logic, I will be able to endure the hits from opposing defenses and make all 16 starts.  Breaking my neck, tearing my ACL and getting those turf pellets in my eyes are all possible on my 1st carry from scrimmage.

Team Implications:  The team will do their best to injure me during practice.  With my nice salary, I can afford to take my offensive lineman out to local rib joints in an attempt to make them want to help me survive on Sundays.  The Quarterback will hate my guts because when he does play action to me, the defense doesn't bite... They don't even nibble which puts him in a sticky situation.

Fan Implications:  Honestly, my production will mirror Chris Johnson's this season (2.9 YPC), so the fans will see a similar player, minus the dreadlocks, gold teeth and undeniable swagger.  My carries will be mainstays on ESPN's "C'mon Man" segment.  I will lead many Tennesee fans to donning paper bags on their head.  The fans will like my celebrations (In the event that I get a 1st down or sneak into the endzone).

Projected Statistics: 320 carries, 448 yards (1.4 YPC), 1 TD

Team Accomplishments:  I'd imagine that the Head Coach would devise a gameplan to get my carries out the way early and let the Titans go back to playing professional football. We may sneak out a playoff appearance in my tenure.  I'll say we make the playoffs once in the 10 years I am in the backfield.

One Sentence to Sum Up Career: Dye files law suit against NFL for post-career concussion symptoms.

Thanks for reading!

Cheesehead 4 Life

With the hours closing in on yet another NFL season, I felt it fitting to throw in my 2 cents about what football means to me. 

Two decades ago, I was in a precarious predicament involving my Dad and the best slice of foam cheese money can buy.  He offered this massive diary product to me as a gift, a gift that would later be repaid tenfold.  When I try to recollect childhood memories, the most vivid images I can remember are the ones with green and yellow in them. 

Jared - 2008

I remember sitting on my Dad’s lap chanting “Go Pack Go” when we scored. 

I remember wearing my Reggie White jersey to school on Monday’s to rub in a Packers’ win. 

I remember playing knee football with my older brother during games and losing. 

I remember my Mom running upstairs during close games because she couldn’t bear to watch which lead to my Dad yelling for her to come back down. 

I remember my Dad always having to sit in the same exact spot for every game. Not only did he have a spot, but he assigned the rest of the family a seat as well.  I still can see those gaudy Packers pants that my Dad wears. 

I remember holding back my cheers on big touchdown plays because my Dad had to make sure there were no flags on the play.  Most of my happiest childhood times where Sundays at noon.  It was one of the only times my whole family would be together. 

My Mom always tells the story of when the Packers lost the NFC Championship to the Cowboys in 1995, (I was 4 and my brother was 7 at the time).  The Packers lost and Jared and I were crying hysterically.  My Mom didn’t know how to calm us down, so she called my Dad, who was working in Chicago at the time.  He could hardly get a word in because of our incoherent sobbing, but he said “Just wait, we’ll be back next year”.  And sure enough the Packers won    Super Bowl XXXI the next season. 

Dad - 2009

I’ve had two dogs in my lifetime, both were purchased in December during a Packers playoff run and both were named accordingly: Reggie White Dye & Jennings McCarthy Dye.  

On my first trip to Green Bay, my Dad would drive past the mile markers and state the distance left ‘til we arrived.  He would say, “93 Miles”, then my brother and I would scream Gilbert Brown, who was #93 at the time.  When we passed the 25 mile mark, we would yell “Dorsey Levens”. I mastered the Packers roster before I even attempted to grasp multiplication.  

Every time my family goes to the Pro Shop, we rack up ridiculous totals.   
We have three rules when we shop there:

Rule #1: Both boys get a jersey.

Rule #2: Mom gets an ornament.

Rule #3: No limits.

Packers fans always stick together also.  I've talked, watched and loved the Packers with these people over the years.  It's not easy finding a large group of Packer fans who are as diehard as me in Illinois. These Cheeseheads need some recognition:

Jared Dye, Alec Heist, Brian Doroba, Charlie Garman, Jordan Townsend, DJ Phelps, Meg Schroeder, Tyler Power and Trent Lamphier?

 

When the ball is kicked off tonight, I welcome another NFL season with open arms.  I will always cherish the memories I have from the game of football and will always continue to make new ones.  Even though the cheese on my head as aged far past what the FDA recommends, I wear it with pride.

It's hard being this cool.

Super Bowl Party - 1997

Derek - 1996

My Ideal Backyard Baseball Team

My favorite childhood video game, along with 85% of the world, was Backyard Baseball (Presented by Humungous Entertainment).   After uncovering the CD-Rom only equipped to play on Windows... not Windows 2000, not Windows 7 or Windows XP, simply Windows, I decided to put together the dream team of these sandlot sluggers.  This isn't necessarily the "best" possible team, rather a team that can enjoy a summer of camaraderie and curve balls together as one.  I call them the Silly Wombats.

Catcher: #55 Kenny Kawaguchi 

Backyard Bio:
Kenny is Vicki’s older brother. His main attraction is that he is in a wheelchair. He has his own radio station, KNNY, which he programs with Barry DeJay. He is the only handicapped player on the series.


My Take:
Kenny is a class act on and off the field.  If Kenny can handle the adversity of being handicapped, I'm sure he can command the Wombats pitching staff.  I don't expect much offensive production, but his leadership and humility keeps the team grounded.  We have also worked out an agreement that he must bring his sister, Vicki Kawaguchi to all home games for no other reason than eye candy.

1st Base: #11 Ernie Steele

Backyard Bio: 
Big Ernie loves to tell jokes and do imitations. He’s also quite adept at performing magic tricks. Ernie can be a little awkward and gangly at times, but if he learned to tap into his hidden athleticism more, he could dominate on the field. He's 5 and a half feet tall, but he's only 10 years old.



My Take:
Ernie has more potential than the vacant lot on Hey Arnold!  Ernie's big frame will fit perfect at First for the Wombats.  Do I expect him to bat .300?  No, not really.  But I do expect to see him take some strides (and long ones at that) throughout the season.  Ernie's parents are pushing basketball upon young Ernie, but for now he is committed to the Wombat way of life.  Steele keeps the mood in the clubhouse light with his never ending puns.

2nd Base: #24 Dante Robinson

Backyard Bio:
Dante is a ball of energy. His metabolism runs high, so food is always on his mind. He loves to goof off with his best friend, Reese, who keeps him constantly entertained.


My Take:
Quick hands, energy and chronic hunger are the 3 main tools that make Dante a no-brainer for the Wombats.  Dante always keeps snacks on deck.  He has tendency to get PB & J on all the team equipment, but we can accommodate.  Dante has a mini fro and an appetite for 2-out hits.  Dante's metabolism is out of this world.  He scarfs down multiple hot dogs in between innings, but still sports a fit physique.

Shortshop: #1 Pablo Sanchez

Backyard Bio:
Pablo is the best player of the backyard kids. On top of regularly leading the league in home runs, OPS, walks he always led the league in style. Pablo never shies away from taking the leadership role and offering words of encouragement when necessary.


My Take:
Let's cut to the chase, I don't like Pablo.  I don't like the way he shows up 15 minutes late to games in his parent's mini-van, I don't like that his mother shrinks all his 100% cotton shirts so that his belly hangs out and I most definitely don't like that he needs a translator in the dugout.  But I will accept the baggage if he gives me the numbers he's capable of... Plus, he's on the cover of the game.  Pablo Sanchez may go down as one of the best athletes of all time.

Third Base: #33 Marky Dubois

Backyard Bio:
Marky Dubois is a bit of a “country bumpkin” who can be a little naïve and gullible at times. He was home schooled and isn’t too street-smart, but is a good natured kid who reaches out to the other kids. He can be somewhat gawky on the field but plays hard and knows how to hustle. He never wears shoes or socks, and loves to play with pigs in the mud. He loves bringing his pet frog to games, and his new shoes and socks are quite rugged.


My Take:
Marky isn't afraid to get his hands dirty and isn't particularly scared of commitment either, which makes his more than qualified for the hot corner.  The plan is to not overwhelm Marky with tall tasks, rather his objectives will be: Get on base, bring ample sunflower seeds for the team and just win baby, win.  I talked to the Backyard Baseball League (BBL) commishioner about the dress code, and he will waive the clause and make an exception for Marky to wear overalls.

Left Field: #2 Reese Worthington Jr.

Backyard Bio:
Reese is the class clown and energetic prankster who loves to be in the spotlight. Although he might get on some of the other kids’ nerves, his best friend Dante loves his jokes. Reese may not be the most impressive in terms of athletic ability, but he does tend to pull off some very impressive lucky plays every now and then. He also has asthma and is seen using an inhaler in early games


My Take:  

Not thrilled about picking Reese here, but Dante is my favorite player and I met his demands.  Reese is a snob.  The only positive I can find for having Reese on the squad is that his father, Reese Worthington Sr. pulled some strings to get us a TV deal with Univisoin.  Putting up with Reese's attitude will make for a long summer. 

Center Field: #9 Pete Wheeler

Backyard Bio:
Pete "Wheels" Wheeler may not seem like the brightest bulb, and is always passing out due to lack of sleep. However he is widely regarded as the fastest kid around, making him pretty popular to any team. He just tends to space out every once in a while.


My Take:
Pete is dumber than a box of rocks, but the boy runs like a Kenyan.  You will find Pete's name scribbled in the #1 slot of all my line-up cards.  All Pete needs to do is put the ball in play, and he will be successful for the Wombats.   Pete & Pablo plan to reek havoc at the top of the order.

Right Field: #40 Dmitri Petrovich

Backyard Bio:
Dmitri Petrovich loves calculations, and enjoys sports because of their relationship to math and physics. He spends much of his free time inventing all kinds of contraptions with his dad. He has an amazing memory, mainly due to his "simple mnemonic system.


My Take: 
This pick was simple.  Dmitri is nicknamed, "The Machine", not because of his Pujolsian ability, but his computerlike intelligence.  Another main reason I picked him is because the Wombat organization runs on a strict budget funded by player's allowances, and it was just financially smart to have our Right Fielder double as the team statistician.  Don't overlook the fact that Dmitri is husky- in this league, the well fed finish first.

Pitcher: #22 Kiesha Phillips

Backyard Bio: 
Kiesha is taller, stronger, and bigger than most of her peers, and is a dominating presence in any game. She is full of life and positive energy, and likes to tell jokes.


My Take:
Gotta love what KP brings to the mound: Thick thighs, no felonies and an mean streak Warren Sapp would envy.  She matured much earlier than the rest of the backyard kids, which is great because the lead doesn't test for steroids or arm pit hair.  Kiesha will be our workhorse, she knows we expect her to pitch late into games.  KP is no slouch at the dish either.  Her power numbers should place her right around the top of the BBL.

Opening Day Line-Up: Silly Wombats

1. Pete Wheeler

2. Dante Robinson

3. Pablo Sanchez

4. Kiesha Phillips

5. Ernie Steele

6. Dmitri Petrovich

7. Marky Dubois

8. Kenny Kawaguchi

9. Reese Worthington

Please feel free to disagree with my squad.  If you have an ideal team, please post it in the comment box.  

2011 Candy Championship

The NCAA Tournament is upon us again, and that is fantastic.  I'm sure all of you are crunching numbers trying to figure out which teams to pick.  Well, this is a little variation of the NCAA Tourney, but an American classic, nonetheless.  I'm sure you've seen the Reese's commercial with the bracket by now.  If not, here is the link.

Reese's Commercial

Yep, that's what this post is based off of.  16 treats/candies are put to the test, to see which one truly is the best.  These candies have been seeded (1-16) by the Candy Selection Committee (CSC), consisting of:  

Committee Members:      Mr. Peanut
                                      Pillsbury Dough Boy 
                                      The M&M's
                                      The Gingerbread Man 
Committee Chair:           Aunt Jemima


Another difference from the NCAA Tournament is the analysts who cover the tourney.  Typically you see Jay Bilas, Dick Vitale and Bob Knight predicting the brackets.  You now have Prince Fielder, Charles Barkley and Jonah Hill.  Along with the analysts comes the "genius" that prematurely predicts the brackets prior to the tournament.  John Kruk replaces Joe Lunardi as Head Bracketologist.

Basketball Bracketologist: Joe Lunardi

Candy Bracketologist: John Kruk

The Committee Has Spoken

1. Chocolate
Bid: Automatic - Cocoa Conference
Outlook:  Chocolate is the clear favorite entering this tournament.  With an undefeated regular season, this very athletic squad looks to continue their reign over the candy industry.  But beware of chocolate's tendency to melt under pressure.


2. Peanut Butter
Bid: Automatic - Nut Family Conference 
Outlook: PB brings an experienced unit that isn't afraid to attack the throats of opponents.  Peanut Butter dominated the Nut Conference this season behind the leadership of Coach, George Washington Carver.


3. Caramel
Bid: Automatic -Chewy Conference 
Outlook: Caramel came on late in the season; with big bubble-wins over Gummy Bears and their rivals, Caramel Apples.  Caramel is a flexible treat that puts their opponents in sticky situations.


4. Cookies
Bid: Automatic - Homebaked Conferece 
Outlook: Cookies comes into this tournament fresh out the oven, they held on to beat Brownies in the Homebaked Conference Tournament Final in a close one.  Cookies has a very diverse team with transfers from Chocolate, Peanut Butter, Raisins and Oatmeal.


5. Pretzel
Bid: At-Large 
Outlook: Pretzel is definitely the surprise team of this year's field, I actually had to Take 5 and check to make sure their bid was accurate.  This team reached their peak around the Holiday Tournament where they merged with Almond Bark to create a festive treat to be reckoned with.


6. Mint
Bid: Automatic - Natural Treats Conference 
Outlook: Mint has been overlooked all season, but has continued to win big games.  Mint boasts a great resume.  Senior leader, York, has been waiting for this opportunity his whole career.  Some experts are concerned about the their 20 hour flight from the Andes.



7. Raisins
Bid: Automatic - Fruit Conference 
Outlook: The best team from the West Coast this season capped a good campaign by winning the Fruit Conference (Season & Conference Tournament) Championship.  I have a gut feeling they may dry out and prune at this late phase in the season.



8. Wafer
Bid: At-Large 
Outlook: This is Wafer's first tournament appearance.  A versatile group lead by the twin brothers, Kit and Kat, could catch a break this year and win some games.  Head Coach, Nilla, runs a crisp program.


9. Coconut
Bid: At-Large 
Outlook: Not a whole lot of upside with this healthy treat.  They will have a long flight from Hawaii to take on Wafer in the Opening Round.  Their star player, AJ (Almond Joy) has been dismissed from the team after possessing 2 Pina Coladas during a recent bar raid.


10. Nougat
Bid: At-Large 
Outlook: A lot of people have Nougat making a deep run in this tournament.  It'll be very hard for opponents to halt their Fast Break.  Nougat boasts some quality road wins late in the season (Graham Cracker &  Sprinkles), but they also have an ugly loss against Pez.



11. Marshmallow
Bid: At-Large 
Outlook: A veteran Marshmallow team limps into this year's tournament.  Head Coach Snap is in the hospital with complications from Type II Diabetes, so Assistants Crackle and Pop will share the duties this March. Many experts feel that the Mallows are just too soft and fluffy to compete with tougher teams.

12. Vanilla
Bid: Automatic - Extract Conference 
Outlook: Vanilla will need a miracle to make a run in this tourney.  With an entirely white roster, they will face many tough upcoming challenges.  Their systematic motion offense may give their opponent fits, but in the long run, they're just too bland.


13. Cherry
Bid: At-Large 
Outlook: Cherry has had a lot of off-field issues this season.  Incidents with the law, as well as recruiting violations put a chocolate covered cloud on this year's tournament as well as future seasons.  Sources say that their lengthy Center, Twizzlers was illegally contacted during it's stay on the shelves of Walgreens.



14. Pecan
Bid: At- Large 
Outlook: Pecan was highly touted coming into the 2010-2011, but dropped off late in the year.  Their star, Turtle, could lead them to an unheralded Cinderella story though. Their fan base does tend to travel well, and is synonymous with going nutty.



15. Toffee 
Bid: Automatic - Grandparent's Candy Conference 
Outlook: Toffee comes from a mid-major (GCC), and faces an uphill challenge in this year's tourney.  5th year Senior, Heath, would like nothing more than to avenge his terrible display he put on in last year's tournament and give his team a victory in 2011.



Play-In Game
16. Walnut
Bid: At-Large 
Outlook: Walnut has been tagged as a poor man's Pecan, don't be expecting anything spectacular out of this nut.

16A. Butterscotch
Bid: At-Large 
Outlook: Butterscotch was outraged with it's draw in the tournament.  An early exit in the Grandparent's Candy Conference Tournament drastically hurt their chances of making a run in the tourney.

2011 Candy Championship

Here is the unfilled bracket.  Please make your picks and comment on the bottom of this post. 

Or at least fill out...
Champion:
Runner-Up:
Cinderella:
Bust:

Pick Me! I'm rather healthy.

Can the Marshmallows rally together without Snap?

* In case you were wondering about whether or not there is a Girls Candy Bracket, well such thing does exist.  But, their tournament is a One-Game Playoff between Granola & Croutons.

Beat The Heat

There isn't a better way to fall asleep than knowing you just defeated LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh and the rest of that team in Miami, unfortunately I have been unsuccessful in doing so. For the last few nights I have been sitting in my chair in the wee hours of the night attempting to beat the Miami Heat in NBA Live 2004 (PS2) on Superstar Level.

You are probably confused why I am playing NBA Live 2004, well, it is arguably the greatest EA Sports production of all time. Also, you are more than likely confused because I said I was attempting to beat James, Wade and Bosh, but those guys weren't on the team in 2004. Well, I manually updated the rosters of every NBA team over the past six years and just recently put the final touches on the updated line-ups and ratings.


Here is how the game is set up.

Miami Heat vs. Los Angeles Lakers
- I alternate where the game in played.
- 8 Minute Quarters
- Fatigue: On
- Camera: Baseline Low (Zoomed Out a bit)

Previous Results:
Attempt #  -  Result
1. L, 87-59
2. L, Quit (Dinner)
3. L, Quit (Frustration)
4. L, 54-31 (Game Froze @ Halftime)
5. L, 97-86
6. L, 98-82
7.L, 119-111



Kia Motors: Keys To The Game

1. Slow down the pace, for some reason I overcompensated the speed of the Heat when I updated their ratings. If I try to get out and run, it will be halted, so I have to remember to run my offense.

2. Get BIG! With a front line of Illgauskas and Bosh, I should be able to power the ball down low and take advantage of their Cabbage Patch mentality, but this is a video game and somehow they are both 90 in blocking and even though they get blown by in the post, they never fail to swat the ball from behind. So the pump fake is crucial!


3. Badger Eddie House! The best part about turning fatigue on is Dwayne Wade gets winded, and that means he will need a few minutes to quench his thirst, but more importantly it means Eddie House will get 4-6 minutes a game. Eddie's handles are suspect, and I routinely call a "Double Team" to trap the shit out of him. The traps work about 33% of the time.

4. Understand that Horace Grant takes names. Even though I updated all the rosters, the most important roster move was activating Horace Grant from the Lakers IR and proverbial NBA death. Despite a half-dozen knee injuries and goggles Michael Phelps would envy, Horace is still a force on the defensive end. I like to "User" Horace and give Bosh a really hard time. Even if Bosh makes a contested hook shot, rest assured that Horace gave him a nice jab in the side.

 

5. Lean on Kobe and Fisher to take big shots.

6. Remember that LeBron is uncharacteristically clutch.

Here's an example:

"With 20 seconds on the clock in a tie game, the real life LeBron James would force a long jumper only to see it clank on the back board, front rim if he's in the zone.  Now when you take the same situation and implant it into NBA Live 2004, LeBron drives the lane, welcomes contact then proceeds to finish above the rim and covert the And-One play." 

Needless to say, you can't defend it.

7.  Don't text during the game.  I need to 100% focus to compete with the Heat, and if I am receiving and returning multiple text messages, my mind won't be on exploiting Miami's occasional 2-3 zone. 

 

Meet The Lakers

 Meet The Heat

Month Power Rankings

Despite the recent surge of mild temperatures in Central Illinois, the month of February sucks. How much does it really suck though? How does the overlying cloud that is February compare to the eleven other months? Let's take a look.

Month Power Rankings

1. June
I think we all can agree that June weather is the best of all the months. Everyday is going to be 60-80 degrees, who can complain about that? Every school is out by the start of June and summer is in full swing. The month is consumed with graduation parties which gives everyone their well-deserved fill of pulled pork sandwiches and cake. I don't have the exact statistics on when families go on vacation, but if Steve Harvey from Family Feud asked me "What month is the best for vacationing?" during 'Fast Money', I am certain June would be the first month to come to mind. Assuming I don't completely freeze up and reply with "Disney World". Also, the NBA Finals and Father's Day always fall in June.

2. May
This is the first month where you can wake up in the morning and not second-guess whether or not you should wear shorts. You wear your shorts with confidence knowing that not only is the weather ideal for shorts, but that the opposite sex is wearing shorts as well, where have those legs been all winter? The weather is turning into summer weather, school is winding down, those flowers that were budding last month are now prized Zinnia's. The number of cotton tailed rabbit sightings probably double from April to May. May is host to Mother's Day and Memorial Day, both are underrated holidays.

3. September
September is an exciting time, students get reunited with all their college buddies and a whole new year of school starts fresh. Sure there are some incredibly hot, muggy days, but then there are unparalled strolls around town at night. The NFL season starts in mid-September as well as college football. Football leads to tailgating, and tailgating is at its finest in the month of September. This only adds to the 30 day euphoria that is September. September is also harvest time, and it has been reported that some scholars consider September "Hammer Time" as well.

4. July
Not only is July Uncle Sam's favorite month, Katy Perry likes it too. Highlighted by it's lone holiday, The 4th of July, July offers many outdoor activities. Cookouts, pool parties and picnics are all reasons why ants love July. Those are also the same reasons why I selected July to be placed in the #4 slot. By this point in the summer, odds are you skin is substantially sun-kissed, which leads me into my next question, is it sun-kissed enough to melt a popsicle? Probably not. I suppose if you were laying out for two hours and then placed a popsicle on your scalding hot back it could possibly melt. You gotta remember that it's not going to be an instant reaction. I would have to say that the popsicle would melt, but it would take around 2-4 minutes for the popsicle to actually change states.

5. August
Like always, August will follow July. August has it's moments, emphatically warm moments, but moments nonetheless. By this point in the summer, people are getting annoyed with the consistent 90 degree temperatures. August marks the end of summer for almost all schools, which is good and bad. Sure, it sucks that summer is ending, but who isn't excited to come back to another year of school? If you didn't go on that family vacation I was talking about back in June, you better go in August because it your last opportunity to have a family bonding experience before the Melissa goes to State, Craig takes that internship with Goodyear Tires, and Nathan embarks on his final year of high school. Boy, they sure do grow up fast.

6. December
Breaking away from all the months with tropical climates, the #6 spot goes to December. A lot of people around the midwest hate the frigid climate, but come on it's not that bad. Take out the fact that the average temperature is below freezing, December is about family. December, more than any other month, is adored because it's habitual way of bringing families together. Other than the Grinch and probably Kevin Garnett, there isn't anyone in this country who doesn't love Christmas. Excluding people with crappy jobs, Americans get a lot of time off in December to spend with their families, which is fantastic. Oh, and you can't forget the last day of the year, aka "New Year's Eve" lands in December. Besides the fact the holiday almost always leaves those who celebrate with great disappointment after their inflated expectations turned into just another night of drinking with friends and taking an album worth of pictures.

7. March
I am still bitter about not placing March higher, but my peer reviewers kept knocking it down. I believe I can make a pretty good case that March deserves elite month status. Let's see, it has much milder weather, March Madness, and the beginning of the MLB season. On most years, March is highlighted by three major holidays: St. Patrick's Day/Unofficial, Easter and my birthday (22nd). The NCAA Tournament is one of sport's most excited three weeks. Nothing beats filling out brackets and tuning into hours upon hours of quality hoops. March has been known to roar in like a lion, that can't hinder its case as a Top 3 month. For a huge baseball fan like myself, the start of a new season excites me more than logging into Facebook to see 8 Notifications that I didn't foresee coming. What else haven't I said about March? Did I say Easter? Yeah, Easter's cool.

8. April
It isn't going to be easy to defend a month whose motto is, "Out like a lamb". April has to possess the least amount of street cred of all the months. April reminds me of a student with a 2.9 GPA and a fair amount of friends. April goes out and stuff, but lacks in personality. Don't get me wrong, people enjoy April's company, but if April didn't show up to a party, I don't think May and June would notice. The grass turns green in April, the air couldn't be anymore mild, and the birds are finishing up the last few parts of their nests, I mean, they have the foundation and 3 bedrooms done, but they still have to gather a decent amount of twigs to put the finishing touches on the guest bedroom and the kitchen. There are plenty of opportunities to play outside in April especially that the days are longer now, so that's a plus.

9. October
By far the spookiest month of them all, October's childhood charm solidifies itself as #9 on the countdown. October is a pretty month, the foliage is at its peak as far as cosmetic appearance goes. The shades of leaves in the Midwest are just to die for! Football is in full swing by now, the World Series is going on in baseball and the weather is beginning to shift to a chillier alternative. Children love Halloween, shoot, I think we all love Halloween. Who doesn't love dressing up and running around town? I'll tell you who, probably not a Police Officer. I say this because that's literally what they do all day, put on their uniform and patrol streets all day, so odds are Halloween doesn't rank very high on their list. Same goes for Paramedics, Fire Fighters and Jimmy John's Delivery Boys.

10. January
The first month of the year, the 10th month on my list. January offers new beginnings for all, especially those overweight people who determine that this is the year they will lose weight. Yeah, those people. The new year brings hope to the guy who is experimenting on the elliptical with jeans and a collared shirt on, and I couldn't make that up. January offers pretty crummy weather, but it does have the NFL Playoffs and multiple College Football Bowls. If you like snow, this is the month for you. If you like quirky romantic comedies, "When Harry Met Sally" is the movie for you.

11. November
November is very thankful for it's location on this poll, if it weren't for those pilgrims, November would probably be hanging out in the cellar alongside Sloth from the Goonies. Goonies reference, check. Not quite freezing weather, but cold weather regardless. Nothing too crazy goes down in November, there are some sports going on, but nothing notable. Thanksgiving is a great holiday, sometimes people overlook it, but all in all, very respectable holiday. Other than Squanto's incredible cornbread, November doesn't offer a whole lot.

12. February
We are all experiencing the inferior factors that make February the crappy month it is. It is host to the most overrated holiday in the US, Valetine's Day (Don't worry Casimir Polaski, I got your back). There is a better chance of Chris Bosh actually being a Raptor, than there is of having a sunny day in February. It is the dullest month, the sky is continually gray, as well as my overall mood. Seriously though, is there anything positive that comes from February? Crappy weather, boring/lazy days and no major holidays.

Month Power Rankings
1. June
2. May
3. September
4. July
5. August
6. December
7. March
8. April
9. October
10. January
11. November
12. February


I would love to see what all you have to say. If you would be so kind to leave your Top 12 in the comment box, that'd be great. Thank you reading everyone! If you have any ideas for the next post, write them on a blank piece of paper and place them in the box.

Classic Match-Ups

Remember that post a month back about College Sports Rivalries? This is kind of similar. There is a lot of down time in a college lifestyle, which leaves me with ample time to brainstorm ridiculous sporting scenarios.

1. Here is my finest creation:

Who: Quincy HS(IL) Varsity Baseball Team
vs.
Bill Hall, David Weathers, and 7 tame Porcupines
What: Baseball Game (7 Innings)
Where: Miller Park (Milwaukee, WI)
When: Let's say June-ish

I have been working on this match-up for years. Here is my logic, Quincy is an incredibly mediocre high school baseball program (If you are unfamiliar with Quincy, insert your local high school baseball team). Quincy routinely finishes amongst the middle of their conference. They have a decent line-up, let's say they have two All-Conference infielders, an ace pitcher and a coach that has experience dueling against wildlife.

Recipe for success? Possibly. Let's look at their opponents, the Porcupines + 2 MLB players. The casual baseball fan probably doesn't know Bill Hall. David Weathers is an interchangeable Middle Reliever in the MLB. He is a journey-man as well, playing with 10 MLB clubs in his 18 year career. Joining these 2 MLB players, are 7 recently rescued porcupines (Ages ranging from 3-7). These porcupines spent 3 weeks at Fred McGriff's Baseball World learning the art of taking pitches and trotting the bases. In addition to the baseball training, the porcupines were also given multiple Rabies vaccinations and all passed extensive Sports Physicals. 7 world-class porcupines. Now that you understand the rosters, who has the edge?

My Outlook:

With a crowd of around 1,200 parents, baseball enthusiasts, and people just curious about seeing a porcupine field a slow rolling ground ball filing into Miller Park, the Blue Devils (Quincy) finished their round of infield/outfield. Bill Hall and Weathers lean over the dugout fence trying to decide if they should chew tobacco or settle with Ranch Sunflower Seeds. Their logic is that it a game being governed by standard IHSA rules and if they get kicked out of the game, that leaves them with 7 porcupines and an almost impossible task of winning. Okay, game on. I'm saying that there is no chance Quincy wins. David Weathers can still fire balls in around 90mph, velocity the Blue Devils have no experience with.

Bill Hall (looking exceptionally hard in the picture to the right) played Catcher in the Minor Leagues, so he is at Catcher. The 'pines trot out and fill the positions 3-9. In the event that Quincy puts a ball in play, Weathers will have to chase it down on foot. The only major weakness with the porcupines is their fielding capabilities. They can't catch, aren't very agile and would probably die if they were hit by the ball. So Quincy will probably get doubles, triples and inside the park home runs if they put the ball in play. That's a big IF though. If the Blue Devils get a rally going, then Bill Hall may have to take over on the mound. I'm sure Hall would be a serviceable reliever, he has a major league arm. I just don't see Quincy stringing too many consecutive hits together against MLB pitching. Weathers will strike out their 6-9 hitters without a sweat. The 1-5 hitters for the Devils might put it in play.. Okay, Now let's look at Quincy in the field. The Devils elected to deposit their ace on the mound. The Porcupines line-up will be:

1. Porcupine (LF)
2. Porcupine (2B)
3. Porcupine (SS)
4. Bill Hall (C)
5. Porcupine (1B)
6. Porcupine (3B)
7. Porcupine (CF)
8. David Weathers (P)
9. Porcupine (RF)

Quincy's pitcher is considerably accurate, he just recently signed with a local Junior College where he will pursue an Associate's Degree in Nursing. But how accurate is he?

Can he throw strikes to a porcupine? Porcupines range from 8-11 inches in height, making their strike zones about 3-5 inches. That's a tiny spot to hit consistently. The pitcher doesn't have to worry about the rodents swinging which with help with his pitch selection, exclusively fastballs. I'm gonna have to say that the porcupines draw walks over 80% of the time, which leads to many base runners for Hall and Weathers to drive them in. Hall is a pretty good hitter, and I'm sure he will tee off of the high school pitching. Even if they walk Hall & Weathers, odds are that will result in runs being scored. The porcupines will consistently draw walks. The porcupines will more than likely bat around the order in the 1st inning and score about 5 runs. Every inning will be about the same, Porcupines will score 3-7 runs every inning. The Blue Devils have a remote chance to score more than 3 run in an innings because Weathers is just too good, and he knows how to get out of jams. In the event that one of the porcupines injures a quad, or a quill perhaps.. That really doesn't hurt them in the field, but they will have to take an automatic out when the disabled rodent is slotted to bat. The porcupines will rally behind the wounded mammal and pull together as one and will exhibit a "refuse to lose" mentality. I would like to hear what you all think, does any disagree with my reasoning?

My Prediction: Porcupines win 31-14 (5 Innings)

_____________________________________________________
2. Indiana Pacers vs. 5 Lamar Odoms
Sent in by Jack Cassidy
Odom is one of the NBA's most versatile players, now imagine seeing 5 of them across from you? 6'11, long, brown basketball machines. The Pacers are ehh.. Not terrible, not good. Odom's multifaceted skill set makes him a nightmare to cover. Can the Pacers take advantage of their guards quickness? This is a tough one. 5 Khloe Kardashians are not included.

3. Junior College Basketball Star vs. LeBron James (wearing a suit of armor)
Sent in by Jack Cassidy & Thomas Bruch
Keep in mind that the suit of armor weighs around 40 pounds which drastically hinders the mobility of James. I think his jump shot will be affected, and his overall leaping ability almost cut in half. He can't use his armor to harm the JUCO star either. One on One basketball at it's finest.

4. UCONN Women's Basketball vs. Kerry Kittles + 1A Varsity Boys Basketball team

Kittles, a former NBA role player faces he toughest test yet when he brings his hick town associates to battle against UCONN, and a veteran Husky team.

Let's say the game is at Pepsi Center in Denver and the crowd couldn't be any more neutral. These girls are good, they compiled the longest winning streak in NCAA history, but then again, they are females. They are also very well coached by Geno Auriemma. My guess is that UCONN puts together a solid gameplan to halt Kittles, but then again Kerry Kittles can hit from the outside. Oh, and Kerry Kittles has been wearing Shape-Ups since he received them in a Gift Exchange this holiday season.


Comment on the bottom with your picks please, or use the Facebook link to answer.

Also, if you have a funny match-up... Let me know, I'll post it.

Super Bowl vs. Puppy Bowl

I can't believe I am even contemplating this. I've been an avid supporter of the Puppy Bowl, I have been a PB advocate since its inception in 2004. The idea is genius, the participants are exponentially cuter than the NFL players and you are automatically in a better mood when you tune in. Each of these games are special in their own regard. Both have distinct characteristics that will allow these great American games to live on in the upcoming decades. Now we just have to figure out which one is better. Let's take a look.



Super Bowl XLV is different, my Green Bay Packers will be playing. I can assure you all right now that I am not going to miss a snap of Super Bowl XLV, even if the Puppy Bowl is close. I can also promise you that if the Bears would've beat the Packers in the NFC Championship, my 22" Toshiba would be tuned into Animal Planet from pre-game coverage, to the Pedigree Post Game Show. I have watched kibbles and bits of every single Puppy Bowl to date, and with the capabilities of a DVR, I won't miss a bark from this years either.


Super Bowl vs. Puppy Bowl (Head-to-Head)


Action
The NFL is the most popular sport in the USA right now because of its hard hitting and high flying action. Football is arguably the most exciting sport in the world due to its format. Less plays, more implications compared to basketball and baseball. Every play matters rather the 2-1 pitch that's... just a bit outside in the World Series. The Puppy Bowl is not structured, at all. It is simply puppies running around having the time of their lives (8-12 months). Let's see, what is more intense... A scrum for a fumble in the NFL or two pooches fighting over the final chew toy available on the field. Yep, the Super Bowl offers much better action.
Edge: Super Bowl



Drama
The Super Bowl is the pinnacle of sports. It beats the hell out of the World Series, which I probably watched 1 1/2 innings (The last 9 outs of Game 5). The Super Bowl is one game, one shot, one opportunity... to seize everything you ever wanted (Lose Yourself beat playing slowly in the background). The SB has 2 weeks leading up to it to maximize the drama. The reporters will try to nit pick any sort of conflict or story to increase interest. The Puppy Bowl doesn't have any drama, unless two pups were sniffing that Australian Sheep Dog that the Beagle clearly called dibs on earlier in the game.
Edge: Super Bowl


Commercials
Not even close. The Super Bowl offers the best spread of commercials throughout the whole year. There are even a handful of casual football fans that tune in just to watch the commercials. I can't remember, but I bet the Puppy Bowl probably has those Sarah McLachlan commercials for 'Dog Abuse'. That commercial is probably the last thing I want to see in between Puppy Bowl action, it would be the ultimate buzz kill.
Edge: Super Bowl



Halftime Show
And, finally the Puppy Bowl gets off the schneid. Bruce Springsteen isn't fun to watch anymore and The Who have been playing music since Super Bowl I. Maybe the Black Eyed Peas ignite the crowd this year in Dallas, but we'll have to wait and see. The Puppy Bowl is consistent, they know what the people want to see and they give them that. The Kitty Halftime Show is a tremendous change-up from over an hour of solely puppy action. I wouldn't say I am an avid kitten supporter, but I have been known to interact with a friendly cat from time to time.
Edge: Puppy Bowl



Referees
I haven't seen the list of officials for the big game, but we'll more than likely be seeing Ed Hocculi's swoll ass, some other white refs and a token black ref. They will make some calls, mostly correct ones and maybe make some mistakes, but they are human after all. I doubt they will make an incorrect game-altering call. For the people out there that will be experiencing their inaugural Puppy Bowl this Sunday, I will warn you that the referee is arguably the funniest part of the game. Just watch this clip, it is the ref practicing his calls.
Edge: Puppy Bowl



After I started typing this post, I gradually started to realize that this match-up isn't even close. The Super Bowl is the ultimate sporting event and the Puppy Bowl is an event for only a niche population (Middle-Aged Dog Owners with no interest in the NFL, or popular culture as a whole).
Final Edge: Super Bowl.





I can't just do a post about the Super Bowl and not give my prediction.



I like the Packers in this one. The offense has been incredible potent throughout the playoffs, Chicago game excluded. With another quick start and favorable field conditions, the Packers offense will roll a quick lead on the Steelers. The Steelers, a team built completely for ball control and lead protection, will then play out of their element when they try to win a shootout against a superior offense. Don't forget that the Packers Defense has been giving opponents fits all season long with an array of blitz packages and coverages. The defense has made their name in the playoffs by shutting down notable QB's. Vick, Ryan and Cutler all played their worst games of the season vs. this GB unit. Roethlisberger very well could be the next victim of Dom Capers' D, this is excluding Capers' wife, of course. If James Starks adds in a run here and there, then good night Terrible Towels. This game has all the ingredients for a great Super Bowl: Great teams, great organizations and great signal callers. Aaron Rodgers will ascend from the shadows of Favre, and give the world one of his patented Championship Belt gestures. If in fact the Packers pull it off, Rodgers then will be the People's Champion of the World.

Prediction: Packers 31, Steelers 27

Offensive Gem: James Jones and Andrew Quarless have career days, and each add a score.
Defensive Gem: Nick Collins puts the game on ice with a clinching interception late in the 4th Quarter.
MVP: Clay Matthews (2.5 sacks, Fumble Forced)

Everybody Loves A Good Remix...

Fly Like A Cheesehead




Green & Yellow

Associated Dirk Top 25 Poll

Hey folks,

Everyone is back at school now, so I won't keep you long. I know you have more important things to read, so treat this as a break. I love playing old video games, especially sports games. I have a healthy stash of retro games ranging from 1997-2011. Some of my favorites are MVP Baseball 2005, NBA Live 2004 and NCAA College Hoops 2K5. My good friend Jack Cassidy and I would play hours upon hours of College Hoops last year. We would stay up 'til sunrise tirelessly recruiting computer generated student athletes. Just playing the game alone was a good time, but when you took a second to read the names of the recruits, it's so much more enjoyable. I decided to record the top 25 names and make a Top 25 poll. Instead of using the Blog title (Thoughts, Stories and Poems to Dye For) and turning it into an acronym, TSPTODF Top 25, I am gonna call it the Associated Dirk.


AD Top 25

1. Smackey Atkinson
2. O.J. Greenleaf
3. Happy Carpenter
4. Smush Lemons
5. Major Cooley
6. Reginald Dunleavy
7. Florentino Lovelace
8. Prosper Hancock
9. Antwan Grundy
10. Ugonna Crumbley
11. B.A. Knight
12. Linus Spaulding
13. Bingo House
14. Denver Blizzard
15. B.A. Buggs
16. Jerry January
17. Booker Cooper
18. Brandquinn Sessoms
19. Spanky McIntosh
20. Demon Cummings
21. Jesus Hinrich
22. Spanky Cox
23. LaForest Washington
24. Sylvester O'Toole
25. Odie Clifford

Also recieving votes:
Attarious Queen (45), D'Jamal Grochowalksi (41), R. Shimokawa (39), JB Luber (34), Smackey Roosevelt (27), Waitari Boner (18), Kenneth Police (1)

________________________________________________________

Can you imagine watching a college basketball game and hearing the announcer say, "Ugonna Crumbley leads the break and pulls up for the contested jumper, it's off the mark to the right, rebound corralled in by Happy Carpenter".

Or how about this one, "What a freshman season it has been for Ball State phenom Reginald Dunleavy. He will face his toughest test yet when he brings his Cardinals into Lexington to face off with #8 Kentucky, led my upperclassman Spanky McIntosh".


O.J. Greenleaf













Who wouldn't recruit O.J. Greenleaf? A versatile true 7-footer that can play inside as well as out. Runs the floor like a gazelle, and doesn't take no for an answer. A relentless defender with upside unmatched at the collegian level. Orville Jarvis (O.J.) has waterbug-like quickness for his size. Greenleaf played in his high school band as well (drums). We have reports that he once scored 24 points in a first half, then conducted the pep band to a flawless performance on Bon Jovi's - Livin' On A Prayer. I'm not certain, but I believe he we quoted saying his favorite mixtape was Wiz Khalifa's "Kush & Orange Juice", for obvious reasons... Let me remind you, his name is O.J. Greenleaf.

Unwritten Rule

So Brink was on Disney Channel the other day, which is terrific, but there was a problem... Nobody told me! Which breaks Unwritten Rule #1.

Rule #1: If Brink is on TV, you contact 5-20 friends letting them know.

Brink is everyone's favorite Disney Channel original movie and it airs on TV at about the same rate as a shooting star does in the sky. You really can't prepare for it, I'm not going to be checking the TV Guide everyday expecting to see "Brink" starring Erik Von Detten's fine ass. Another thing that makes catching a showing of Brink so difficult is the time that Disney schedules for it, typically it's the 2am-5am time slot. The only reason you would venture to Disney Channel at those hours is if you have been drinking and came back to your room and flipped through channels until you see Team Pup N' Suds nailing a 720. Another reason why Brink is so hard to get your hands on, there are about 100 VHS' circulating in the USA, and about 0 DVD's. If you wanted to buy a new copy on Amazon, it would cost you $77.77. Not only does the individual VHS make your wallet skinny, but I think you are forgetting that you don't have a VCR in your house anymore. Remember last spring when your mom was cleaning out the attic and yelled down to you, "Hey, I have the VCR and about 31 assorted Disney movies... Are they salvageable?", and you replied with, "Nah, go ahead go ahead and toss them out, the only one I watch is 'Heavyweights' and I have that on DVD anyways". Yeah... you messed up on that one. VCR's are still a necessity in any household.

http://www.amazon.com/Brink-VHS-Erik-von-Detten/dp/B00005T5YJ/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1294337278&sr=8-8

Memorable Brink quotes:

"Baking a cake is a lot like friendship. You put a lot of work into it, and sometimes it doesn't turn out the way you thought it would, but it still tastes good"
- Brink

"That's how it all starts. You start doing something for love, then you start doing it for money and before you know it, you're just another sell-out"
- Gabriella

"Yeah, I wanna win, but no matter what, win or lose, at the end of the day... I'm not you... so it's still a good day"
- Brink dissin' Val

"When you woke up this morning, did you say to yourself 'Today, I'm gonna talk.' or 'Today, I'm gonna skate!'? "
- Brink

"We skate for fun. We're soul skaters."
- Brink


X-Blades vs. Pup N' Suds





VS
















The most efficient way to spread the word is a phone tree. Phone trees worked great in childhood sports, why wouldn't they be functional now? Just print one off and put it right next to your desk. I would probably laminate it too, just to be safe.

Here is my proposed phone tree:

Derek Dye (309-558-8044)
'
Jack Cassidy (309-256-4882)
'
Max Tane (631-252-1734)
'
Molly Orlowski (630-901-8745)
'
Sam Welvaert (309-207-0123)
'
Jared Dye (309-721-3813)
'
Luke Wood (309-230-6417)
'
Ryan Hendricks (309-236-0861)
'
(This could be you)


There is a reason for every branch of the tree. With these 7 twigs of the tree, I have covered 7 representatives of 7 different cities, and 3 states. These Brink captains will then do their best to make the word of Brink viral by the time Brink is at its second commercial break.



Skate Better!

Now how cute was that scene 1-10?
Around an 8..?


* Same goes for Air Bud & Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver. Note: This not include Air Bud: Spikes Back. That movie was terrible, and we all know if you could train a dog to play a sport, you wouldn't pick Volleyball.